When it rains...

   I always have so much trouble with this one-- awaken? awoken? awakened? awook?
     Well whatever it is, it happened to me around 3:20 am this morning. I had left my back porch light on before going to bed, so upon looking out, I was able to see the monsoon just outside my window pane. Whoa.
    I really don't keep up with the forecast the way I should, and my aeromancy skills are slim to none. I had not made myself aware the night before of the approaching downpour, else I would have prepared my car ahead of time (believe me!).  My yard, garage, and driveway are all surrounded by trees, so whenever the wind begins to pose a threat, I always try to quickly get parked in the garage.
     I lugged my drowsy self downstairs to the back door and took a second look outside. Whoa. After 20 minutes and chickening out once or twice, conditions were not improving, and I knew it was time to bite the bullet-- but my umbrella was in the car. Of course it was!! I had no choice but to get creative. I threw on some shoes and went tearing outside at almost 4 in the morning with a big glass bowl on my head. That's right.
    I should mention that directly in front of my garage door, the driveway pavement dips a little, so "when it rains it pools" in front of my garage. I splashed through the small harbor and threw the garage door open. With the first challenge down, I darted to the car and got in as quickly as I could. Thinking I had a cozy moment to drain off, I looked around the car. It was soaked in there. I thought, "What?? The door was open for half a second!!" That's when I realized it-- I had completely forgotten about leaving the 2 front windows open a crack to keep the car cool. Insult to injury.
     Finally after parking safely in the garage, I splashed back through the harbor. At this point, my pants were so soaked they were falling off my body. I headed back inside at 4 in the morning with a large glass bowl under one arm, an umbrella in one hand, and my waistband in the other. Sweet mother of Jesus, I hope the neighbors were all asleep.
    And then hours later my news feed is filled with all your updates. "What storm??"  "I slept right through it!!"
     Well, that's just precious.

  

All the Single Ladies

       I trust most of you are sharp learners. Likely you've noticed there are some qualities I avoid and name tags I hope my life will never sport. "Typical". "Average". "Common". "Cliche". "Standard".
   In being completely honest with you, one of the "typical" things that perturbs me is the way pretty little twenty-somethings approach the covenant of marriage. Frankly, the Midwestern Christian community  is by far the most guilty.
    That brings me to the Almighty Disclaimer. If you're married, you can pretty much ignore this post in its entirety unless I've intrigued you. 98% of the people I know have done exactly what I'm addressing. If you fall into that percentile, I hope  your choices have worked out beautifully-- and if so, FABulous. I'm thrilled for you. Expect a card in the mail. The point I aim to make is not that you made the WRONG choice, but that I believe there are BETTER choices twenty-somethings can elect as an alternative to the "typical" path. 
   Have you ever noticed how just about EVERYBODY lives their life the same way?? Go to college, have a ring by last semester of senior year, get married and have 2-4 baaabies by 26. Awwwww!
   Yawn. It seems to me, if a female has held on to a guy for a year and is over the age of 20, she figures it's time to tie the knot-- especially if she just graduated college. "I'm here, he'll have me, I'm of legal age. Let's make this thing official."
I may ruffle some feathers by saying this, but that is called "settling". Let's say you are looking down from a helicopter, waiting for your turn to skydive. If you're flying over water, clearly it is neither the time nor the place to jump. Well, neither is it the time nor place the instant you spot your first glimpse of land! There could be skyscrapers down there! You could find your body-- or in this case your marriage-- severed in half, wishing you had done your research and awaited a better time or opportunity.
   I used to be one of those girls who thought life did not truly begin until my single-girl days ended. Let me tell you, I feel PATHETIC for ever letting myself be so brainwashed. If you're still that girl/dude, I must lovingly ask you: Do you have any idea how boring marriage is (in comparison to what your fantasy believes)?? Do you have any idea how much daily work it is? Do you have any idea how much you have to compromise and sacrifice? Do you have any idea how many THOUSANDS more people you're going to meet before your life is over??
  For those of you young twenty-somethings currently contemplating marriage with your your equally young significant other, let's stop and think for a moment. Let's say, Lord willing, you live to be 75. You're REALLY so impatient that you cannot wait 1-2 more years to be sure of what you're doing? That's 3% of your lifespan. So it's 3% and be certain NOW, or spend roughly 62% of your life with the possibility of misery and regret. Seems like an obvious investment. The big picture shows there is NO rush!!
   Unless your precious "biological clock" is tick-ticking away (which is another discussion entirely), you have your entire life to get married. Divorce rates are up there, and no one is invincible-- but they absolutely plummet after the age of 28. Know why? Because like fine wines, individuals have taken time to mature with age. They have gotten to know themselves  and have a better understanding of what they want and need in a spouse. Patience and maturity are key marital components, and those who have waited to marry undoubtedly posses those traits. There's more to life than marriage and babies-- and by that I don't mean superior alternatives. I mean great additional things that people tend to skip past and neglect because of their impatience.
      Experience life without limits before you white-picket-fence yourself in. I promise, someday you will be a better spouse for it.
 

Van the Man

    I finally get to do a little brag blogging! Today is the birthday of my father and friend. Often times I hope for the opportunity to tell people why I think he's so wonderful, and June 17th throws me the perfect pitch-- but where on earth do I begin??
    My dad is the epitome of all that stuff Christ is always saying: "Turn the other cheek. Love. Be kind. Be honest. Be good. Be giving/ caring/ wise/ disciplined/ hard-working/ merciful." Sheesh-- I can barely think of a strength he does not  portray.
    I don't know what translation of the Bible he owns, but it much really push being goofy on its readers. He's such an oddball. Like, he thinks peanut butter pairs with everything. Have I ever told you the one where I found him eating peanut butter and chicken broth out of a saucepan ?? No one has made me laugh harder than that man. Once we were touring a house my brother was thinking about buying, and my dad stole ice cubes out of the owners' freezer... because he loves eating ice. Who does that???
         He knows when it's time to laugh and be dad. Just as well, he knows when it's time to step up and be my father, and motivate me to step up as well. In all the jet black moments in my life, I can't think of one that was absent my father. He never fails to set a premium example when he's at church, at work, or even on his own couch. My dad and I have been through hell together on more than one occasion. Thanks to him, it has always been a round trip.

    I will long count on looking to him to seek a model of the balance I've talked about recently. He has found so much balance in his years: husband and father. Accomplishment and humility. Accountability and encouragement. Love and strength. Loyalty and candor.  Justice and mercy.

       One June morning I landed in his cradling arms in a pink blanket-- and every day since those same arms have consisently reached, directed, and embraced me, and inspired me to make better use of my own limbs.
     Happy Birthday to my hero, who is loved and admired by his community-- and probably getting a little embarassed by now. ;)
                         

                                                           He's a Jolly Good Fellow

  

Blackjack

      Sha-BAM! Made it to 21. And while I'm up for a midnight snicky-snack, I thought I'd voice a little of what's on my heart as I flip past the last page of chapter 20.
  Last year was a hard birthday for personal reasons. I was in a very adverse place in my life,
 and it was a bit of a "just survive" day. Not so this year. Thank God.
       I really believe it was just a series of unfortunate events over the past 5 or 6 years that has turned me into quite the "shutter-outer" of people. I never thought I'd see the day where I would become weary of that-- but here I am. 
     I think it was a couple dark or empty moments recently that had me looking around wondering where everyone was. I couldn't figure out why no one was reaching out to me in an hour of need. It didn't take long for me to put 2 and 2 together. I hadn't been reaching out either! I haven't been participating in much give OR take with you fellow mortals. Too risky.
     I'm committed to taking a new direction with myself. I'm in a very peaceful place in my life-- no chaos, no adversity, minimal stress. I finally reached a point where I'm able to really give of myself and I am SO ready to start doing so. Is it scary?? ... Well, actually, no. I get to exhale for once. It's nice to stop playing defense on auto-pilot. I finally get how to change "walls" into reasonable and effective boundaries.
   I'm finding so much balance these days-- balance between connecting with people and maintaining that boundary. Between thinking and doing, being perfect vs. having control. When to speak up and when to shut up. Being a better listener and being more understanding. I don't need to be that girl who keeps people away anymore; I'm tired of her. It's OK to say no, and more importantly, it's OK to say YES to life and its opportunities.
      But boy, do old habits die slow.

Violation Station

Last night was a bit of an ironic one.
(And let me state for the record: I don't usually stay up this late like I used to, so don't jump all over me for that.)
      It was around midnight when I was driving south-bound down Fleur, on my way to meet my friend Rachel at Hy-Vee. While still a couple blocks away, I was stopped at a red light next to another driver. An orange SUV turned left onto Fleur veeery slowly. Orange SUV turned into the other driver's lane but was still almost halfway in mine. At first I assumed this person was indecisive or not paying attention, so I gave a few seconds of grace, when OSUV swerved into MY lane. I HOOOONKED as loud as Warren (my car) would screech. When OSUV seemed to have no reaction whatsoever, I suspected a certain "influence" was at play. He continued to swerve in and out of lanes with no warning.
     Along came my turn to go to Hy-Vee, but my instincts objected. If OSUV was, in fact, drunk off his/her arse, no way could I just let him/her go-- so on I drove. Suddenly he/she took off and sped down the street faster than a cat in a thunderstorm. And so did I. Sure, I felt a little guilty for speeding, but I figured if ever there was a reason this was it. When OSUV drove into a median, I was good and certain he/she was trashed out of his/her mind. Without another moment of hesitation, I was on the phone with 911 giving the scoop. I presented all the information I had, including the plate number. At that point it was out of my hands. I had to let go, turn back around and go meet up with Rachel.
     Fast forward to a few hours later. I left Rachel's house around 3 am. When I was 6 blocks away from home, I was eager to arrive since the evening's earlier experience left me uncomfortable driving so late. OK, so I guess I was a little too eager. I got pulled over. 15 minutes and $74 later....
     I will say the officer went VERY easy on me and didn't fine me NEARLY as hard as he could and should
have. I'm not saying I didn't deserve a ticket or it's unfair that I got pulled over, but I can't help but be a bit annoyed. On Fleur, I had gone 2 miles out of my way and undoubtedly risked my life to get OSUV off the road-- and the likelihood that he/she ever met a pair of handcuffs that night is slim.
      Evidently karma stepped out for the holiday weekend. I don't know-- you tell me if you find all this to be poetic justice or cruel irony. I believe it to be more toward the latter.
     Oh, and dad, if you're reading this-- sorry. 0:)

Summer Clashion

     I best just get the lecture out of the way. Summer is right around the corner. To some that means picnics, baseball, heatstroke... to me it means fashion train wrecks with no escape.
   16-22 year old girls are by FAR most guilty. Let's face it; they use the first sign of heat as an excuse to dress like trash. Spaghetti straps and short-shorts do not, an ensemble, make. I just know it-- they've been bundled in their Snuggie all winter-- hemming that pair of glorified denim undies shorter and shorter, just waiting for the first 66º day. Girl, puh-lease. Build a bridge and get over yo-self.
  I do have a few suggestions up my quarter-length sleeve to keep it classy when the day sizzles and the nights steam. (Pictorials borrowed from J.Crew).

  First and MOST importantly-- footwear. (I really want you to know that there's nothing I hate more than feet. They are the ugliest and most disgusting part of the human body; I can hardly bear to speak of them, so I get extra credit for this one. Hopefully in the end, this paragraph is an investment in humanity.) MEN: you look weird in open-toed shoes. Save them for the beach. End of discussion. Ladies: No one wants to see your feet either-- however, keeping you away from sandals is like trying to stop a downhill stampede. If you INSIST on wearing flip-flops, invest in a well-made feminine pair. Please don't do the $2 thing at Old Navy. Cheap flip-flops look-- cheap. Before you can blink, they look worn and dirty, and so do your feet. Yuuuck. Buy flip-flops that have a sheen to them, like a metallic.
 No foam, no rubber. And for CRYIN' in the night-- if you are going to exercise your "rights" to open-toed footwear, keep your southern-most appendages (got sick of saying the word) looking presentable. None of this "I didn't exfoliate today", chipped polish and toe rings nonsense. Offensive.

 Bottoms:

   I love shorts that hit right where the upper and mid thigh meet. To ME, that seems to be

the most flattering length. By the way, are cropped pants with ballet flats not adorable??
  

 Tops: 
     Home stretch of my rant. This one's easy: nice tanks and t-shirts with some embellishment. Plain layering tanks are for layering. Try to stay away from any verbiage on your clothing.
                    
                       

 Summer fashion can easily stay classy. Don't neglect accessorizing. The bare minimum looks boring and-- bare!! I leave you with these words, so relevant to summer fashion:
    If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all.*
                                     *But please remain clothed.

    

  

Haphazard Thoughts

   -Guys aren't usually much for kitchens. The only men who want to bake ARE baked.

   -I'm surprised the suicide rate among cake decorators isn't higher.

   -I used to think spring was overrated.
  
   -Who eats cooked fruit?? Ok, maybe apples.

   -I've been learning so much lately about how to connect with people.

  -I love to form my own can-can line between 2 parallel mirrors. Pfff, try telling me you've never done it.

  -Skinny jeans with flip flops look wrong. Flip flops in general are wrong. That's a whole 'nother blog (and it will be).
 
  -I never liked brownies until I ate a frozen one.

-Once I saw a motorcyclist out with no helmet. But the greater offense: he paired a denim
  jacket with jeans. No, no, no.

I Scream

  I HAVE to go to San Fransisco-- I just have to.
   There's this little ice cream place called "Humphry Slocombe" I'm dying to try. Everything is made from fresh, organic ingredients. And even though I'm "kinda vegan", I am readily willing to break that for this place. And the flavors-- oh buddy. Right up my alley. For those of you who are like me and aren't big into link clicking, I'll shorthand it for you. A few flavors I'm dying to try:
   Balsamic Caramel, Green Tea-Black Sesame, Cinnamon Brittle, McEvoy Olive Oil, Honey Thyme, Peanut Butter Curry, Pepper-Mint, Red hot Banana, Salt and Pepper, Banana Pecan, and White chocolate lavender. There are plenty of sorbets I'm dying to spoon-attack also. Cantaloupe, Golden Beet Saffron, Pineapple 5-spice, Thai chili lime, and Carrot-mango.
   So if any of you are planning an upcoming trip to SanFran, you have two choices. Take me
with you, or return with a very full cooler. Thanks in advance.

Casa____a

  The other day, a middle aged gentleman came in for a cuppa coffee. I recall the house blend that day was Sierra Madre-- a lovely dark roast with a subtle nutty undertone.
  "Sierra Madre--", said the customer, "that's the name of a Humphrey Bogart movie. I bet you didn't know that." I, in fact, did not know this.
   He went on, "Can you name his most famous movie?"
  I don't know what to tell you. I'm really not familiar with his work, or even movies from that era. I thought for a minute and admitted I did not know the answer, when he told me (it's Casablanca, by the way).
   I have to tell you, this conversation irked me just a little. In my mind, he was tip-toeing just a bit too close to the border of 'condesending',just because I'm not a connoisseur of "the talkies". Different generations are variously savvied. Fact'a life. I really wanted to come back at him with:
  "What does Flava Flav always wear around his neck? When does the last season of 'The Hills' start? Name ONE Usher song."
    That's what I thought.

In the Throes of Compassion

   This is my blog-- so I get to be honest, right? Cool.
  For various reasons, I'm just not a compassionate person. I am a bad reactor and my bedside manner sucks. Sometimes it's a flaw; just as often it's an advantage. I won't bore you with those particulars.
   I've lived alone for almost 6 months now. I think over the course of the past week, it's finally started sinking in that this is "all me". I'm responsible for everything that takes place or doesn't in my life. If 'X' runs my bank account dry, or 'Y' gets me in hot water, or 'Z'causes something unthinkable, I have only myself to blame. Reality is striking, and it's turning me back into the worrier I have been in the past.
  Worry is a funny thing-- it can really have a ripple effect. Last week when I had a day off, allI could do was "what if" about myself and everyone I know. I'm trying to find the owner of a stray cat, and I'm feeling so uneasy about all that (again, I won't bore you with particulars). I remember a couple months ago when a coworker's mom was in the hospital with a dire emergency. I sat on my couch for hours and worried for this girl I barely knew. My friend, boss/coworker, and extended family member Kelly has cancer. I don't usually talk to people about it because it makes me worry and hurt for her. Just writing that sentence provokes an uneasiness I never want to experience again. At this moment, my friend Chad is at the hospital with his dad, feeling powerless and scared.
   Here comes some more honesty: I'm so glad I wasn't blessed with the gift of compassion. Hurting for people... hurts. I've walked my share of painful valleys in my life. Why would I want to revisit those when I don't have to? Commiseration is incredibly foreign to me. I was never taught how to cope with it. (But was anyone?) So here's what I want to know: if I'm hurting for someone, is it 'heartless' of me to choose to "just stop thinking about it"? Do I become kin to Satan himself if I opt not to think about it in the first place?
   I don't know how you tenderhearted types do it-- but more power to 'ya.

The Fountain of Truth

  So far in my life, I would like to think I've managed to stay outside the stereotypical box  that accompanies my age group.
    When I was 18, I did not straighten the life out of my hair. I was not a social addict. I was able to see past the screen on my phone. I savored other "amaaazing" beverages besides Frappuccinos (I can't tell you how much I hate that term) and strawberry smoothies. And I was aware that there is a world outside the Jordan Creek Panera.
       Generally speaking, so far, so good. But that doesn't mean I'm home free. Lately I can't seem to stop "what if"-ing.

 When I turn 46, am I going to be able to discuss other things besides gardening and my experience with Slim Fast? Will I tuck blouses into my jeans? Will I take pride in using coupons, and will it take me 6 minutes to decide I want a vanilla latte?? Will I be able to write less than 9-sentence posts on social networking sites?

  When I turn 76, am I going to be that lady in the front row at a Gaither concert, obliviously clapping off-beat to "Roses will Bloom Again"? Will I greet the dawn before it greets me?? Will I take 18 minutes to decide I want chicken salad, black coffee and a lemon bar? Will the needle on my speedometer ever live to see the speed limit? What kind of sweaters will my wardrobe claim? Will I believe everything I'm told?

   I totally get that aging is a gift, but the mannerisms-- it worries me, you guys.

Haphazard Thoughts

 -I remember in school I used to hear about how the Pilgrims had to eat succotash on the Mayflower. It always sounded so gross to me. Sort of like it "sucked tash". Turns out it's good stuff! I even make a salsa version.

   -I have 198 hangers in my house, each of which are occupied. Can you see why I opted to forfeit shopping for Lent?

  -When young  people say, "Live with no regrets", does that translate: "Don't do stupid things you'll regret", or "Don't regret the stupid things you do" ?

  -To me, seeing old people use cell phones is like seeing a monkey ride a bike. Only louder and  with more confusion.

  -I've had a lot of spare time since giving up shopping and facebook games for Lent. I've done a great deal of organizing, including the pantry. And hey, at the bottom, I finally found a set of hand weights I've been missing for months. Pity-- I got a lot of exercise looking for those things.

The Bitter Cold: Part 2

How not to keep it when you have it.  This is the one where I really get on my soapbox.
    You cannot continue living like you are not sick!! You cannot eat sugar like you normally do. You cannot keep drinking diet Dew and getting 4 hours of sleep. Your body is ill now, and it's your job to nurture it from your neglect.
 
    My fool-proof methods for shortening the lifespan of a cold:
P-robiotics. Go to the vitamin section and buy acidophilus. It will demolish almost ANYTHING that tries to demolish you.
A-pple Cider Vinegar. It's an antimicrobial.
I- ngest liquids. NO caffeine or alcohol. None!!!
G-arlic. Also an antimicrobial.
E-at wisely. And minimally. Your body needs that digestion energy to fight.
     And for God's sake, don't leave your house unless you absolutely have to.

The Bitter Cold: Part 1

  How not to get it:
 It's goin' around. It's rare that I get sick anymore, but when I do, my mind suddenly plays a marathon of all those moments I regret. "I should have held my breath walking past that congested toddler. I should have washed my hands before I put that mint in my mouth. I should have taken a shower after watching those reruns of Divorce Court." Prevent the regret by preventing the mistake!! These are some tips that are, frankly, embarrassingly obvious-- and embarrassingly neglected. 
    For starters, carry hand sanitizer. Use it before EVERY time you eat out (side your home, that is...). Use it after you handle change, use a computer, change a diaper. For God's sake, USE IT!
   DON'T touch your eyes, mouth, nose, FACE, unless you have JUST washed your hands. Make a habit of washing your hands every time you come home.
 Take vitamins before and after being in crowded areas for lengthy amounts of time. (More on that in my next blog.) Stay away from sick people. Don't play invincible. Don't be a moron. 
   And just throwing this out there: I have not had a legitimate cold since I became a vegetarian. ...Knock on wood.
  Common sense? Yes. Commonly exercised? Uhhh...

"The Video"

 It was 2 years ago, almost to the day, when my friend Rachel and I went to visit a culinary school in Minneapolis. Really, it was a concert that brought us up there, but we both wanted to go into culinary arts at the time. We figured we would visit while we were in town.
  I remember waking up that morning and reeeally not wanting to visit the school. My head was throbby, my throat was prickly, and I was feeling just 'yuck'. Rachel dragged me. (For the record, I'm glad she did.) We got right in to the woman who showed us around. It was roughly a 45 minute tour, and while I appreciated the experience, I wanted out of there. Rachel displayed her empathy and tried to hurry things along. Finally, we made full circle to the front door where we had started. Our tour guide thanked us for coming and shook our hands. We began to bolt for the door-- we were almost home free.
 "Wait-- did you guys watch the video?", we heard behind us. Crap. It wasn't over.
  Rachel-- God love her-- thinks quickly when I really need her to. "Yup!! Thanks again!", she blurted, without even glancing back, and out we bolted. We laughed about our little white lie all the way to the car, and still joke about it to this day.
"I wish we could see 'the video' again. Remarkable footage."
As you probably concluded, I never ended up enrolling there. And they haven't let me forget it, either. Do you realize that  TWO years later, I am STILL getting calls from that school?? They won't give up. And I don't think I have ever, ever, taken a single one of their calls. Five in just the past week. (Note to self, never go out with Greg from Le Courdon Bleu). I'm being hounded, and it's karma; I just know it.
 All because I didn't watch that damn video.

Re'lent'less: Days 1-4

 My quest thus far has been very successful. Generally speaking, I've experienced minimal withdrawal and maximum benefit.
   Shopping- I haven't had much urge to splurge yet. About a month ago, I started a wish list on my phone of things I want to buy at some point. Let me tell you, that list has doubled in the past 4 days. I had a moment of weakness today when I got an e-mail from JCrew, saying it's the last day for 20% off all their sale items. Let me interject this-- does it count as shopping if I use a gift card? It seems like I'd be bending the rules, but I still wouldn't technically be spending money. Also, I have to return a couple things in the mall soon; setting foot in there could prove to be tempting. I'd go buy a pair of blinders, but, well-- you know. Shopping...
   Artificial Sweeteners- Needless to say, I've used them because I can't (pardon the pun) swallow the idea of depositing so many grams of figure-filling sugar into my body via desserts, drinks, etc. So without the artificial stuff, I've eaten fewer sweets all together. The other night I did make whole wheat banana bars, and they were like ecstasy slices, with cream cheese frosting and walnuts.
   Facebook games- Best change I've made so far, which I thought would have the least impact. In case you missed my last blog (loser), it wasn't the game itself, but the sitting down at the computer. Then I would get hooked into other things and waste hours online. I can't believe how much I've gotten accomplished by crossing that off my agenda . On day 1, I picked up dinner after work, went straight home, cleaned my house and went out to a movie with a friend. And we had a blast. I may even give up those 2 games all together. Maybe.
  36 days to go. I'm a tenth of the way there.

Re'lent'less

   In the words of Cosmo Kramer, "You know what I discovered? I like depriving myself of things! It's fun!!"
  Ok, so maybe I'm not THAT extreme, but boy, do I love a challenge!
 Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday and marks the beginning of Lent, and I spent a lot of time thinking about what habits I would benefit to forgo. At first it seemed tricky-- I don't watch much TV or spend excessive time online. I don't drink. I eat a healthy diet. By no stretch am I perfect-- I have my share of bad habits. I DID end up choosing a few things that can and should be sacrificed. This isn't really based on religious grounds. I think it's a great opportunity to break some habits and be accountable for it. So the next 40 days in the life of this Paige will be spent without:
   -Facebook games. I'm not really addicted, but I have to be at an actual computer (as opposed to my phone) to play them. I go out of my way to get to a computer and end up staying there too long. So Cafe World is closed for a while.
   -Shopping. Oof, this is a rough one. Shopping is one of my many and favorite hobbies. Spending money on fabulous things is something that DOES have a hold over me. Needless to say, I  will have to go grocery shopping, but my aim is to buy nothing that I don't NEED or isn't edible. Today someone encouraged me to put the money I save on shopping toward buying more organic vegetables. Great idea! By the way-- I would like to add that I'm taking a trip to Iowa City at the end of the month and will more than likely stop in Williamsburg and cheat on the way back. You can't blame me for that.
   -Artificial sweeteners. Oh, buddy, I will miss it. I can indulge in so many more sweets thanks to Splenda. But I KNOW that it reeks havoc on my-- everything. Including lifespan, most likely. I'm still very aware of the simple carbs in sugar, so I estimate a decrease in my consumption of sweets. That will be good. Fortunately I drink very little pop so that won't be too terribly missed.
  What could stand to be changed in your life? Replace TV with reading? Coffee with tea? Gossip with hobby chat? Too much dairy? Profanity? Negativity? (And please don't give up Facebook. I will miss you!) Feel free to join my challenge. I'll keep you guys posted on my progress. I may even add more summons.
 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have about 14 cups of sugar free pudding waiting for me in my fridge, and I only have until midnight.

   "Nice weather we're having, huh??"
 I'm an oddball. I could barely care less about what the cumulus clouds are doing today. Pardon the pun-- "whether" it be autumn's crisp P.M's or spring's dewy A.M's, I am not an outdoorsy person by any stretch. People tend to use the weather as a go-to file for small talk. Because we all have the weather in common? Eh-- debatable. That being said, I can't help but point out a few reasons why I look forward to Jack Frost's return back from whence he came:
 -My nasal innards will remain well-thawed at all times.
 -The sun will not seem to abscond with the day at 5:16 every afternoon.
 -I can stop feeling guilty for my cowardice to try wearing hats.
 -I can finally go back to putting my tongue on whichever darn metal pole I please.

    But I will miss:
 -Hiding an imperfect manicure beneath my powder grey gloves.
 -Close-toed shoes and long, chic coats.
 -Tracks of fleet little woodland creatures around my house.
 -The excuse to put off repainting my back porch.

  Once again, pros and cons cancel each other out. Yup-- I couldn't care less about them cumulus.

  Lately I've taken great pleasure in watching classic Disney movies. They make for good background noise while I'm trying to get things done around the house. I hope it goes without saying that 'Cinderella' has been a particular favorite.
  I just love the opening scene where Cinderella first wakes up in the morning. When she starts changing her clothes, the female mice shoo all of the male mice out of the room.
   I really wish those female mice worked at Victoria Secret.

My heart walked the plank and stood poised on its edge.

You sauntered blindly to take the ship's wheel.

I plummeted deep off the long wooden ledge,

The day you crushed virtue beneath your heel.

I had drawn my sword and fought to the death--

Now peering on as you sail into the blue,

I make my way toward shore to catch my breath--

Bemoaning, I'd done it all for you.

  Yesterday I was quite pleased to have the day off. In search of a particular book, I headed out to browse through endless rows of them. A lovely way to spend an afternoon!!
   While exploring the aisles, I found myself very annoyed by the 2 women at the front desk, chatting in hushed tones. "How unprofessional," I thought, "whispering at work like a couple of gossips."
   And then I remembered I was at the library.

How to Fail a Diet, in 10 Days or Less

   Well, the New Year is upon us, and hitched to its wagon are the innumerable resolutions made by optimists 'round the globe. Yet, according to surveys, only 8% of these propitious promises will be kept by at LEAST the end of January. So, if you are one of those diligent few, disregard the following. This is not for you.
     Believe me; I've hit the skids on a diet or five in my time. Now I don't claim to be the slimmest Jim in the pack, but it wasn't until recently that I finally found how to do things right. Of course, I could certainly offer my two cents worth on how to conquer the calories-- but you can't swing a baguette around without hitting a pile of books that will tell you how to do all that. No, I have the silent majority, the other 92%, in mind. I have plenty of pointers on how to skip the pain and head for gain. Literally. Here is my top ten in finest wisdom on how to fail a diet.

10. Call it a diet.
9. Tell everyone you know you're on one. The more hoopla, the better.
8. Demand results within the first 36 hours of initial hunger pangs. When results don't ensue, there's definitely no need to continue suffering.
7. March ardently into the challenge like a torch-wielding villager. Be sure to start off sprinting. That way you are certain to be wiped 3 miles into your marathon.
6. Never, even for a minute, lose mental track of your sustenance condition. ALWAYS be aware of however hungry, full, miserable, or content you are.
5. When you slip and eat a handful of Cheeto's, it's over for you. No good can come of your regaining momentum. Let out a sigh and an "Oh, what the hell", and make your way toward the bottom of the bag.
4. Eat fast.
3. Sit as still as you can after nibbling on those raw carrot sticks. Enjoy digesting. Not only will immediate movement speed metabolism, but you will be distracted from thinking about whether you want seconds.
2. Always be deprived. Don't bother with retraining yourself, your brain, your stomach to use portion control. Developing new habits won't do you the slightest bit of good.
1. Make a lot of free time. If you are busy with work, with life, with hobbies, you will find yourself without a spare moment to think about what lurks behind the pantry door.         
                And don't forget... NEVER desert dessert.
                                       -P