Blackjack

      Sha-BAM! Made it to 21. And while I'm up for a midnight snicky-snack, I thought I'd voice a little of what's on my heart as I flip past the last page of chapter 20.
  Last year was a hard birthday for personal reasons. I was in a very adverse place in my life,
 and it was a bit of a "just survive" day. Not so this year. Thank God.
       I really believe it was just a series of unfortunate events over the past 5 or 6 years that has turned me into quite the "shutter-outer" of people. I never thought I'd see the day where I would become weary of that-- but here I am. 
     I think it was a couple dark or empty moments recently that had me looking around wondering where everyone was. I couldn't figure out why no one was reaching out to me in an hour of need. It didn't take long for me to put 2 and 2 together. I hadn't been reaching out either! I haven't been participating in much give OR take with you fellow mortals. Too risky.
     I'm committed to taking a new direction with myself. I'm in a very peaceful place in my life-- no chaos, no adversity, minimal stress. I finally reached a point where I'm able to really give of myself and I am SO ready to start doing so. Is it scary?? ... Well, actually, no. I get to exhale for once. It's nice to stop playing defense on auto-pilot. I finally get how to change "walls" into reasonable and effective boundaries.
   I'm finding so much balance these days-- balance between connecting with people and maintaining that boundary. Between thinking and doing, being perfect vs. having control. When to speak up and when to shut up. Being a better listener and being more understanding. I don't need to be that girl who keeps people away anymore; I'm tired of her. It's OK to say no, and more importantly, it's OK to say YES to life and its opportunities.
      But boy, do old habits die slow.