4.07.2010

In the Throes of Compassion

   This is my blog-- so I get to be honest, right? Cool.
  For various reasons, I'm just not a compassionate person. I am a bad reactor and my bedside manner sucks. Sometimes it's a flaw; just as often it's an advantage. I won't bore you with those particulars.
   I've lived alone for almost 6 months now. I think over the course of the past week, it's finally started sinking in that this is "all me". I'm responsible for everything that takes place or doesn't in my life. If 'X' runs my bank account dry, or 'Y' gets me in hot water, or 'Z'causes something unthinkable, I have only myself to blame. Reality is striking, and it's turning me back into the worrier I have been in the past.
  Worry is a funny thing-- it can really have a ripple effect. Last week when I had a day off, allI could do was "what if" about myself and everyone I know. I'm trying to find the owner of a stray cat, and I'm feeling so uneasy about all that (again, I won't bore you with particulars). I remember a couple months ago when a coworker's mom was in the hospital with a dire emergency. I sat on my couch for hours and worried for this girl I barely knew. My friend, boss/coworker, and extended family member Kelly has cancer. I don't usually talk to people about it because it makes me worry and hurt for her. Just writing that sentence provokes an uneasiness I never want to experience again. At this moment, my friend Chad is at the hospital with his dad, feeling powerless and scared.
   Here comes some more honesty: I'm so glad I wasn't blessed with the gift of compassion. Hurting for people... hurts. I've walked my share of painful valleys in my life. Why would I want to revisit those when I don't have to? Commiseration is incredibly foreign to me. I was never taught how to cope with it. (But was anyone?) So here's what I want to know: if I'm hurting for someone, is it 'heartless' of me to choose to "just stop thinking about it"? Do I become kin to Satan himself if I opt not to think about it in the first place?
   I don't know how you tenderhearted types do it-- but more power to 'ya.

3 comments:

  1. Very thought provoking, Paigey! Hurting & worrying stinks, it really does. But Grace abounds. I think that's the difference between having faith in a living God that is always there & having to cope without Him. Jesus said "Who can add one day to their life by worrying?" Scripture also says "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness."
    He's compassionate when we aren't. It's ok to just stop thinking about it. There's nothing wrong with that!! But pray first & give it to God & He'll take care of the rest. That's what He wants for us to do. Then the worrying is on His shoulders, not ours. Sometimes you have to give it to Him a bazillion times, that's ok, too. He's the one in control & His shoulders are quite broad!!
    love you, Paigey!!

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  2. Courtney Harden4/10/10, 9:48 PM

    I think the trick is to be optimistic. If you sit there thinking about all of the bad things that could happen you are going to worry yourself to death. And I really do understand that. I used to obsess about my Papa's health. I would pray and pray and pray for a long, long time, keeping myself up at night. I didn't know how I was going to cope with his death since I had never gone through something like that before. But now that it has happened I think to myself, "I got through it. I can do it. It won't be the end of me. Sure, it isn't fun, but I can handle it!" So if your attitude is to pray for the person and then know that God has a plan you will be better off. And also, in situations like my mom's, I am totally optimistic. There is time for her to be healed and I have faith that God is not going to take her. She has too much to live for.

    Just have faith, Paigey. Read your Bible when you are scared. Those are my suggestions. ;)

    Love, Court

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  3. Paige. Maybe my illness is your time to learn to cope with sickness. We are friends and when a friend is sick, you simply have to be there for them.

    It is a way of growing up I guess.

    I remember the first few times a friend or loved one died I crumbled.......fell apart.......but over the years it has gotten easier. I have developed an empathy towards grieving people. I can walk right up to them and look them in the eye and say, "Hey, that is not fair!! I am so sorry for your loss!! We will miss him or her!

    As far as worrying. Sometimes I obsess. That is when it becomes NOT healthy. I think I got that from my grandma. At 94 she is still worrying and worrying and worrying. When do we get to the point where we let go and let God???

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