Well, the New Year is upon us, and hitched to its wagon are the innumerable resolutions made by optimists 'round the globe. Yet, according to surveys, only 8% of these propitious promises will be kept by at LEAST the end of January. So, if you are one of those diligent few, disregard the following. This is not for you.
Believe me; I've hit the skids on a diet or five in my time. Now I don't claim to be the slimmest Jim in the pack, but it wasn't until recently that I finally found how to do things right. Of course, I could certainly offer my two cents worth on how to conquer the calories-- but you can't swing a baguette around without hitting a pile of books that will tell you how to do all that. No, I have the silent majority, the other 92%, in mind. I have plenty of pointers on how to skip the pain and head for gain. Literally. Here is my top ten in finest wisdom on how to fail a diet.
10. Call it a diet.
9. Tell everyone you know you're on one. The more hoopla, the better.
8. Demand results within the first 36 hours of initial hunger pangs. When results don't ensue, there's definitely no need to continue suffering.
7. March ardently into the challenge like a torch-wielding villager. Be sure to start off sprinting. That way you are certain to be wiped 3 miles into your marathon.
6. Never, even for a minute, lose mental track of your sustenance condition. ALWAYS be aware of however hungry, full, miserable, or content you are.
5. When you slip and eat a handful of Cheeto's, it's over for you. No good can come of your regaining momentum. Let out a sigh and an "Oh, what the hell", and make your way toward the bottom of the bag.
4. Eat fast.
3. Sit as still as you can after nibbling on those raw carrot sticks. Enjoy digesting. Not only will immediate movement speed metabolism, but you will be distracted from thinking about whether you want seconds.
2. Always be deprived. Don't bother with retraining yourself, your brain, your stomach to use portion control. Developing new habits won't do you the slightest bit of good.
1. Make a lot of free time. If you are busy with work, with life, with hobbies, you will find yourself without a spare moment to think about what lurks behind the pantry door.
And don't forget... NEVER desert dessert.
-P
I had to harken back to Sherlock Holmes in The Hound of the Baskervilles in order to understand "propitious." ...Sir Henry had numerous papers to examine after breakfast, so that the time was propitious for my excursion ....
ReplyDeleteAn exceptionally thought-provoking Paigeism entry my dear Watson. It is ironic that in this age of Googley generated ads, the following links should appear on a page about the futility of modifying our menu:
Right Size Diet, Atkins, Diet menu plan, Fitness Apps on Nexus One, 6-Day Express™ Diet Plan
Nevertheless... Your words go beyond pleasurable prose and offer serious food for thought to anyone willing to digest the most important reasons for the numbers on the bathroom scales. Bravo!
Lee